Thursday, 28 June 2012

Depressed again!!

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 Have you ever met anyone who gets depressed often and who has thought of committing suicide before, sometimes over stupid things?


Well you're welcome to my world.

Don't worry my suicidal thoughts are way way in the past, but that depression thing keeps coming up again and again and I sink really deep. I know it's kind of normal for people to get depressed every once in a while. But for me it's like it happens most of the time and mehn you don't want to be around me when I'm like that. I like to blame it on my primary melancholic temperament but I think I've given enough excuse. I need to grow up.

The question is why was I depressed today again.Today has just been one kind.

First I woke up late, around 7:30am, when I was supposed to have a lecture by 8:00am. But thank God the class did not hold. I was not depressed over that one o. Well, we were supposed to have a lecture by 2:00pm, so I went back to my room to get a little work done at 11:00am. Then I get a message by 1:00pm that the lecturer is in class. I'm like okay, he probably just entered I'm not too late. I get to class and everyone is so attentive to the lecturer and it looks like I'm the only one who came late. I get into the class, lucky that the lecturer didn't ask why I was late. But after some minutes I ask the person beside me when the lecturer came into class and she says 12:00pm, didn't I hear the news. And at that moment yours truly sunk into 'depression mode'. Kai, I felt so friendless. I didn't even know when I clapped my hands together like a market woman and sunk in my seat. At that my seatmate asked "what's wrong?" and I answered that I was unhappy because no one even called me to inform me about the time change (So I thought. One person called when I was in my room to tell me about the class, but I thought the person just wanted to confirm that it was holding. I didn't hear the person say 12) . She answered "Oh, I forgot you're not on bbm, they sent a BC". I just hissed in my head at that. As if I'm supposed to buy BB, so people will be in communication with me..Mschteww..Anyways that's by the way.

I couldn't concentrate in the class. I just kept thinking about all kinds of things; betrayal (I had called someone in the morning to let them know about a lecturer being in the class then and the person was sitting now, in the class, oblivious to my pain), lack of in really deep stuff. I know it's not good for my health. I mean it was just a class, and besides someone did send me the message, when they noticed I was absent. What's my own sef.
The whole depressive thing became even worse when the lecturer left in about 30 minutes (after almost 2 hours of the lecture). I didn't know when tears started to form at the back of my eyes. Ah, but I made sure the tears didn't come out o (do you know how painful it is on the eyes to suppress tears....that's by the way). When everyone was dispersing, some people actually walked up to where I was sitting and asked why I looked sad and why I was late for the class. It was then I realised I was taking things far too emotionally. Ahn, ahn, people are not that bad na.

But depression would not leave me o. It was determined to face me everywhere. I left class and dropped by at the hospital ward to do my assignment; check a patient's drug treatment chart and note drug-drug interactions. I found out the patient was on an anti-depressant drug (I looked at the patient and thought to myself "this one is clinical depression o; my own will not reach this one by God's grace). I got to my room, switched on my previously hibernated laptop and staring at me were the words: DEPRESSION and ANTIDEPRESSANT.  I had been researching on the topics in preparation for a laboratory report I was to write.

I was determined to get rid of every thoughts of depression. I quickly changed my facebook status to : "The joy of the Lord is my strength", because I know what depression could do to people.

There's a movie I watched, " To save a life", where one guy committed suicide as a result of feelings of depression. Something that just started as him being rejected by his best-friend and everyone else at school.

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 I just realized my own case is small. People have real issues- unlike almost missing a lecture, and go through depression as a result of loss of loved ones or something much more major and here I am sulking

Please if you know anyone who has a tendency to get depressed please talk to them o, before they carry out some drastic action. During my last depressive bout, a month ago, one of my friends advised me to read my Bible. Another thing that helps me is, when I'm depressed and I just call someone on the phone. It always makes me feel a little better. That's what I did today.

I'm better now. If anything I'm glad my sad mood gave me something to blog about :)


  1. I'm glad you're feeling better, I can feel down sometimes too, but music or reading helps me. And sometimes, I just cry it out. It helps :)

    1. Thanks:)
      Yeah, music also helps sometimes. I almost forgot that

  2. sweetheart!!! dont know how happy i am that you overcame that depression thing...
    as in, its so bad, that BAD...and very BAD!!...and sometimes, you wonder why everything is happening like this or like that.
    God came to the rescue and you gave heed big time. and here you are writing to us, with life and hope for a better tomorrow
    You have so much ahead of you to let anything depress you and so just relax, let go and let God

    1. Awww :)..Thanks so much.
      As in, the depression thing is very bad. Yes, I still have hope for a better tomorrow.

      Thanks for dropping by.

  3. I'm like this..... Atleast up until recently after I had suicidal thoughts... (I posted it on my blog) That was when I knew I had to stop!!! The littlest things get me to that state, just from thinking about why I don't have food at a particular moment to thinking why do all the bad things happen to you to thinking nobody cares.... You know how it goes, then I cry my eyes out and remind myself of how stupid I am to think all those things, then I start again *sigh*

    Now what I do to get out of all the self pity asides listening to my music... I just stay Thankful for everything I have going good for me and remind myself that some people have it worse in life....and it helps...

    Pls don't be depressed oh.... Not a pretty road!! I still cry sometimes but not as bad!

    1. Yeah, I saw that post on your blog.
      As in, it's the littlest things that get to me too. It's like I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I so hate it.
      Gradually, I'm learning to be more thankful about even the simplest of things, because really although 'it could be better, it could also have been worse'.

      Thanks so much.:) Glad you understand how I feel..Don't cry too much

    2. Yeah, we have to be thankful to keep our head above the water. God help us...

      You welcome. I'm trying to stop ooo.... Thanks :)


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